On March 25, I joined Ted Kang, my Project Speak Out team partner from Korean American Family Services Center at the CONNECT course on “Understanding Domestic Violence: Essentials and Intersections.” We will be at the training for the next three weeks.
It was great to see the packed room for the training: there were about 30 attendees, including us. The only thing I hoped were different was the gender ratio – there were only two men taking the course, including Ted. My disappointment was somewhat lifted to find that two of the three trainers were men.
During the course of the training, we were reminded during a documentary presentation by Jackson Katz why men MUST get involved in the anti-domestic violence field for any changes to happen. It seems counter-intuitive to make domestic violence an issue for the majority of victims – women – when we should be targeting the majority of perpetrators – men. Here are some U.S. Department of Justice statistics to remind us why:
• Men perpetrate the majority of violent acts against women: about 90%
• 1 in 4 men will abuse their partner
• Over 95% sexual perpetrators are men
• In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women
• Annually, compared to males, females experience over 10 times as many incidents of violence by an intimate partner
• Men will rape 1 out of 6 women and commit more than 300,000 acts of rape and sexual assault every year
Katz points out why it is not man-hating to discuss the majority of perpetrators of violence – men.
• 76% of the violence men commit is against other men
• Men commit 90% of all violence – whether directed toward other men or women
The trainers discussed our patriarchal culture being responsible for men’s violence. Our misogynistic culture harms both men and women, with a narrative that sees men as violent, unemotional, sex-crazed brutes who cannot help but harm women. It denies men the intelligence they possess, making it acceptable for them to be violent toward others and themselves. Trainer Quentin Walcott demonstrated this idea well when citing how he broke his rib cages while playing football. When he was first injured and thought of sitting on the bench, before breaking his bones, he remembered his mother’s voice telling him to “man up” as a child. If our patriarchal culture did not intervene, he would not have had to endure the broken bones.
During one of our exercises, we were asked to list all the different reasons men abuse. Everything from alcohol abuse to jealousy to mental problems was listed. At the end of the exercise, the trainers told us the single reason why men abuse – they choose to. Most of those men do not hit their co-workers or other people in their lives when they get angry. They use anger as an excuse to hit women because they know they can get away with it. This is exactly why sending abusers to anger management classes does not help – they know exactly how to control their anger. They use anger as a tool to control their partners; sending men to anger management makes them only more cunning.
There were many more interesting topics brought up during the course of the day. Some of my tweets from the day are below:
• Just had a passionate debate wi domestic violence advocates RE spanking. Some say its ok #VAW #IPV
• Flaming faggot comes from burning men during witch burnings who supported the women considered witches #fem2 #VAW
• 1 way dominant group stays in power is by not being discussed: when we discuss race we think minority races but not white
• Quentin Walker talks RE crying when he broke his ribs "what is this water coming out of my eyes?" male #fem2
• NYC schools receive funding based on number of kids on medication, making them push meds on kids #fem2 #edu
• Having difficulty doing exercise on why men abuse. Its because someone CHOOSES to #VAW #IPV #DV
• A woman just protested to being vilified 4 crimes of past racist whites & wants us to just move on #racism
• Origin of word Hispanic=his+panic. GOP came up wi term instead of Latino to discuss Spain origin instead of own nation
• 2 men & 25 women @ CONNECT NYC training RE domestic violence. Plus 2 men & 1 woman trainer. We need more male #fem2 #VAW
• At the CONNECT NYC training on domestic violence for my job @ProjectSpeakOut. Only 20% victims report #VAW #DV #IPV
New York
It was great to see the packed room for the training: there were about 30 attendees, including us. The only thing I hoped were different was the gender ratio – there were only two men taking the course, including Ted. My disappointment was somewhat lifted to find that two of the three trainers were men.
During the course of the training, we were reminded during a documentary presentation by Jackson Katz why men MUST get involved in the anti-domestic violence field for any changes to happen. It seems counter-intuitive to make domestic violence an issue for the majority of victims – women – when we should be targeting the majority of perpetrators – men. Here are some U.S. Department of Justice statistics to remind us why:
• Men perpetrate the majority of violent acts against women: about 90%
• 1 in 4 men will abuse their partner
• Over 95% sexual perpetrators are men
• In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women
• Annually, compared to males, females experience over 10 times as many incidents of violence by an intimate partner
• Men will rape 1 out of 6 women and commit more than 300,000 acts of rape and sexual assault every year
Katz points out why it is not man-hating to discuss the majority of perpetrators of violence – men.
• 76% of the violence men commit is against other men
• Men commit 90% of all violence – whether directed toward other men or women
The trainers discussed our patriarchal culture being responsible for men’s violence. Our misogynistic culture harms both men and women, with a narrative that sees men as violent, unemotional, sex-crazed brutes who cannot help but harm women. It denies men the intelligence they possess, making it acceptable for them to be violent toward others and themselves. Trainer Quentin Walcott demonstrated this idea well when citing how he broke his rib cages while playing football. When he was first injured and thought of sitting on the bench, before breaking his bones, he remembered his mother’s voice telling him to “man up” as a child. If our patriarchal culture did not intervene, he would not have had to endure the broken bones.
During one of our exercises, we were asked to list all the different reasons men abuse. Everything from alcohol abuse to jealousy to mental problems was listed. At the end of the exercise, the trainers told us the single reason why men abuse – they choose to. Most of those men do not hit their co-workers or other people in their lives when they get angry. They use anger as an excuse to hit women because they know they can get away with it. This is exactly why sending abusers to anger management classes does not help – they know exactly how to control their anger. They use anger as a tool to control their partners; sending men to anger management makes them only more cunning.
There were many more interesting topics brought up during the course of the day. Some of my tweets from the day are below:
• Just had a passionate debate wi domestic violence advocates RE spanking. Some say its ok #VAW #IPV
• Flaming faggot comes from burning men during witch burnings who supported the women considered witches #fem2 #VAW
• 1 way dominant group stays in power is by not being discussed: when we discuss race we think minority races but not white
• Quentin Walker talks RE crying when he broke his ribs "what is this water coming out of my eyes?" male #fem2
• NYC schools receive funding based on number of kids on medication, making them push meds on kids #fem2 #edu
• Having difficulty doing exercise on why men abuse. Its because someone CHOOSES to #VAW #IPV #DV
• A woman just protested to being vilified 4 crimes of past racist whites & wants us to just move on #racism
• Origin of word Hispanic=his+panic. GOP came up wi term instead of Latino to discuss Spain origin instead of own nation
• 2 men & 25 women @ CONNECT NYC training RE domestic violence. Plus 2 men & 1 woman trainer. We need more male #fem2 #VAW
• At the CONNECT NYC training on domestic violence for my job @ProjectSpeakOut. Only 20% victims report #VAW #DV #IPV
Sincerely,
N. Jerin Arifa
Project Speak Out Team
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